I guess I’m losing faith in myself.

Photo by Nate Neelson on Unsplash

I used to be a lovely young lady with wavy brown hair and brown eyes that twinkled in the sunlight. The girl they always look forward to my presence, because I always walks in with laughter and joy on each steps.

I was a clever girl; what am I not good at? I consistently dazzles everyone around me. I’ve always believed that anything was possible for me. And when I gamble on myself, I never lose.

I can also easily steal someone’s heart. I know my words, the look in my eyes, or my naivety will always impress someone, but this is where they all hit me so hard. It was as if I had been kicked out of the reality show that I had played a role in for years.

When it comes to falling in love, I shouldn’t be so reckless. Now I know where I’m lacking, and I don’t have somebody to tell me I’m enough, or even to show me how to be enough. All I seem to be capable of is swallowing this harsh reality whole.

I hope you never have to meet someone who leaves you scared to get out of bed in the morning and makes you sick to your stomach by watching time fly by and seeing you heading nowhere but into the darkness. You can only watch yourself bursting with tears every day because of the fear that you no longer know where the bottom is, which has gone throughout your body and eaten away at it.

I hope you don’t meet anyone who makes you go to a psychiatrist and always reminding them that there’s no way out. All you can do is stand there and watch your stone walls slowly crack and crumble. You are convinced, but not by the person you expect to speak to you.

You start to wonder if you’re really a human or just a worthless piece of flesh. Growing day by day feeling that you are starting to become less and less human.

I know I love him too much, but I also know my head is a complete wreck. I’ve always known that I could leave the person I love at any time when you knew he didn’t make me feel safe — but this time I wish I was more listened to before the ticking time bomb went off.

I know that you no longer cling to the reason you loved me in the first place, because now I’m not growing up to your expectations.

All of the destructive things I do are only to keep myself from having the agony of seeing reality. But it turned out to be no more painful.

Please, tell me where to go. Are you still just going to remain silent? Can you speak?

Hello? Is anybody there?



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store